First off. You know that feeling of being completely stuck somehow in your life? Not that things are horrible, not that you don't see anything on the horizon exciting, it's nothing you can really put your finger on, but you're just... stuck. That's me. Right now, at this very moment, I have the undeniable feeling of not being able to keep my head above water, but I'm treading hard enough to keep breathing and pushing toward the surface. A little dramatic? Sure thing. But it's where I'm at. Actually, to be less dramatic, I feel as though I'm waiting on my life to start. The universe has been biding its time, waiting to pull the trigger and watching me push toward the moment the gun is going to go off and things will fall into place. It's like listening to the music your dentist pipes over the phone while you're on hold. After a while, you start singing along with the song that's on until you forget you're actually waiting for someone to pick up.
I've been on hold for a while now...
I've been working on this song (working title "Bucket List") calling into question all of the things I want to do, where I want to go, who I want to be. It was after the first verse of this song came out on paper that I though to myself, "What are the answers to these questions?" I realized I don't have a bucket list for myself... not at all. And that jolted me a little. Have I settled so far into complacency that I don't have aspirations anymore? No, because I can say, "My life's purpose is to create music and perform music I've created as a way of reaching others the way others have reached me." But, to some extent, I think that happens to a lot of people and, in so many ways, it's happening to me. So begins the process of shaking things up to shake myself out of this perpetual funk.
I should add, this song (working title "Bucket List") was inspired (as cheesy as it sounds, it's true) by a guy I never met, who was three years older than me, who died last month in the avalanche on Everest. His name was Dan Fredinburg. Google him- he worked for Google(x), so there's a plethora of info out there- and tell me his life doesn't inspire you to really look at the way you live yours. His adventures make the ones I had when I was younger look so so tiny, and let me tell you, Canada and Honduras felt anything but tiny!
Anyway.
Above all, Dan lived life for his family, friends, and to make a difference on the world at large, tackling environmental problems to social inequality, and he did it with passion I've only felt but have never been free enough to act upon. While everyone he met and loved is mourning the passing of his giant soul, I don't get the feeling of there being things left unsaid like I often do when someone young dies suddenly. I've gotten the feeling through his friends/family/social media and the public memorials and tributes paid to Dan he didn't leave anything on the table. Everyone knew where they stood with him, they all loved him, and they all knew he loved them. He probably didn't take the time to write out a bucket list and evaluate his life the way I have been because he saw something he wanted to do and made it happen. I highly doubt Dan Fredinburg took the time to question why he felt stuck- I don't think he ever slowed down enough to get himself there in the first place!
So, I made a promise to myself. I've decided to live more transparently, more ambitiously, and more assertively. People who know me might think this is me reaffirming myself, but it's really not. It's so not. I so frequently leave things unsaid, I am a master at biting my tongue (or getting too loose with my words when I'm angry), I put others way ahead of myself and feel guilty when I do make time for me, and I do a pretty awesome job of letting those closest to me float away without ever chasing them down to tell them how much they mean to me. Nate has accused me of being too shut off, of not letting people in out of fear they'll walk away, for being too willing to cut people out of my life if they don't add value to my existence. The last one I stand by for sure- there is absolutely nothing that interests me in holding onto relationships that don't add value to my life, the relationships that don't nurture my soul and make me a better person while allowing me the opportunity to have an impact on others as well. That might sound self-serving, and it absolutely is. But why would I put myself in the company of people who bring me down? That's just crazy.
On the other hand, you know those people you can't seem to let go of? The people you feel bound to by soul threads, or some weird spiritual magnetic attraction? The ones never far from your mind and have you wondering what they're doing, or if they ever think of you and wonder what you're doing? Those people you squeeze time to see, and no matter how long you're together, it's never quite long enough to get your fill? They're what I think of as soulmates. I think you can have more than one - I mean, why wouldn't you, right? - and I don't necessarily think they have to be romantic-styles.
They're the people who just get you. They're the people who see deeper into you, looking right past anything you think you're giving away. They're the people who can communicate with you on a plane far beyond the physical just through eye contact and body language. They're the person who gets so far into the core of who you are without even trying, it's scary. It's the person that the thought of never seeing or speaking to again makes your heart ache. It's the person you can go seven years without seeing in person or even talking to via social media/text message/etc. and when it's time to part ways, you don't want to step outside the moment.
I have a couple of those.
I finally told my oldest friend/first love/now one of my best friends something last night I should have told him ages ago. No- literally, ages ago. We've been friends for 18 years, and I have never told him directly what I told him yesterday. Here's a little history. We went through our formative years together, meeting when he was 11 and I was 12. He's been there through things that were the hardest for me to bear, offering me support when I needed it most, and vice versa. He holds me accountable when he thinks I'm bullshitting or need to check myself. We went almost 3 years without talking to one another because of a stupid nothing fight (thank you, Dane Cook!), and it bothered me so much that this piece of myself was missing, it would keep me up at night. I (finally) badgered him into meeting me to talk it out, aka "get me to shut up and leave him alone." Score one for me, since not only did we talk it out, our friendship is better than ever. (Becca: 1, Carl: 0)
He came over to the house, along with another 'oldie/goodie' friend yesterday. We were taking turns manning the grill- well, the guys were... I was drinking on the deck and hanging with the kiddos!- and throwing the frisbee around. My buddy and I were talking, having a heart-to-heart about how we've both felt like we're in a holding pattern. During the course of this conversation, the opportunity finally presented itself to tell him how he's one of the most important people in my life and always has been. Not in a romantic way- he's really good friends with Nate, too!- but just as a presence in my life, he's one of the most important. We've had our ups and downs like every meaningful relationship does, but we always manage to come right back to where we left off.
My point, through these (somewhat hokey) ramblings is this. In being stuck, I've been so frustrated I've felt like my head was going to explode. I've felt a significant lack of words- writer's block, I guess, only it's also applied to spoken words, too- to appropriately convey what I'm thinking/feeling in a way that won't bring judgment or hurt others. In feeling stuck, I'm learning I'm a lot more complex than I used to be, and my worldview is no longer primarily black and white with a hint of gray... it's a whole pallet consisting primarily of shades of gray. I am understanding complexities in life don't always require a lot of explanations. I am noticing how distrustful I am and how tightly I guard my secrets, even from myself. In being stuck, I am learning how to disengage from the things that take away my passion. I am learning how to be joyful in spite of uncertainty. I am living in every moment I can. In being stuck, I am learning how to embrace the things I can't explain, change, or otherwise influence. I am learning the beauty of being a tiny observant speck in this massive sprawling universe we live in. I am learning to walk the path laid out before me, knowing every step is leading somewhere I can't see right now, but that the path is leading to the exact place I'm supposed to be going.
In being stuck, I'm learning how to let go.
