So it's been almost a month since my last blog, and I've recently decided that, as the title of this entry says, I really should get better about this! (How's that for originality?) I'm back in school and things are picking up since we're already at midterms, so it's been hard for me to steal some time and write. So if you're reading this, thanks! :) Anyway. A lot's been on my mind lately, so here I go!
I (finally) found time to reconnect with one of my most favorite people EVER in the world. He used to be one of my baristas at one of the dozens of Starbucks stores I managed/co-managed/assistant managed, and, if I'm quite honest, he's one of my all-time favorite baristas ever. We got along incredibly well, and something about us just clicked. Come to find out, he's had a really rough year and a half, and I feel so bad that I wasn't around for him during this time. He came out to his parents and faced a world of persecution from the people who are supposed to love and accept him unconditionally. And, like all of us have been through, he put his heart and soul into loving someone with everything to his core, only to have all that love thrown back in his face. That all got me thinking about how close-minded people can be. There is nothing (well, except if my children took the life of someone else) that would ever make me turn my back on my children. I may not agree with things they do or the way they choose to live but I would never ever take away my love, affection, or acceptance of them and who they are. Nate feels the same way. I'm not saying that if one of my children came to me and said "Mom, I'm gay" that it wouldn't take some adjustment and time for me to reconcile that information with myself, but I believe that we are born with our sexual orientation predetermined. And can I fault my child for something they didn't choose? No. That would be like saying, "Well, you asked to be born with blue eyes and that's just unacceptable. I wanted you to have green like mine." Sounds ludicrous, right? That's because it is. At least, in my opinion. So, to my boo- if you're reading this- I know I've already told you this a billion times over, but you are an amazing person. The trials you've been through will seem like distant memories when you finish school and move on to where/what/who you're supposed to be and be with. I'm so happy to have you as my beautiful friend, and I will always be here for you. :)
Next order of business...
(By the way, I'm blogging instead of working on my 12-page midterm that's due on Thursday night. Some would call that procrastination. I call it dedication to my craft. Kinda.)
Have you ever felt like you're just biding your time, waiting for your life to start? I am in that rut, as far as my professional life is concerned. I know that I went into finishing my bachelors, knowing that I'm finishing it to finish it. I have no clue what I want to do after I graduate, except that I'd like to be in HR. Can I see myself there? Really see myself there, as my chosen career, for ever and ever? No. HELL no. Do I see myself living in the suburbs of Chicago forever? Nope. Do I see myself anywhere in the realm of the business world, corporate or otherwise? Definitely not. So what, you may ask, am I doing in school for managerial communications? Answer: I have no idea. Short answer: Justifying the almost $60k in student loan debt that I'm carrying around without having a degree, that's what. I am "investing in my future," whatever that means. Truth is, I'm a musician. I write, I sing, I play, I perform. It's in my blood, it's my dream, and it's the only thing I have EVER seen myself doing, the only thing I have ever WANTED to do. When I perform with the guys, it's like I walked into my house and the stage is my living room. It's home. Even more important, we're good. We're really good. Not trying to sound snotty or hoity-toity, and I would never say so with airs about me, but since this is my blog, I'm allowed to speak the truth. We. Freaking. Rock. So why am I living in the suburbs of Chicago, finishing my degree at a small liberal arts college in a program that I don't foresee ever being in? Great question. I guess it's what grown-ups do, and I've been told a time or two that I should have a backup plan. Since I'm 26 and married with two small children, I guess that makes me an adult. Thanks a lot, Responsibility and Sense of Necessity. You two are the big crashers of my party for big aspirations and plans. I started to run my brilliant idea by Nathan today and got interrupted by my two little ankle-biters, one of whom was climbing on the dining room table to get to the bag of Halloween autumn mix candy corn. I've been thinking that, after I graduate (and Adam will beat me to that by almost a year!), I think we should move the family to Nashville, LA, New York, Seattle, or ATL, steal Adam and Michelle and pack them into our moving truck, and get a move on our purpose for being on this earth. Well, one of our purposes is to spawn adorable children (check x2!) and be really really ridiculously good-looking (duh), but I just have this thing inside that's screaming to me that we're destined for incredible things. In the meantime, we'll be honing our performance style, adding to our stockpile of original songs, and putting our stamp on the covers we choose to play. We're pushing ourselves to learn new songs, write new material, nail down harmonies, and be better overall. I guess that'll have to suffice for now.
In other news...
Tomorrow is mine and Nate's anniversary. Three years has both flown by and seems like forever at the same time. Not in a bad way either! It's that same feeling I get when I realize that I've been out of high school for 8 1/2 years and it feels like forever ago and just yesterday at the same time. It's not like these have been the easiest three years either. Started off our marriage with a 10 month old baby girl, miscarried around her first birthday, got pregnant with Trace, delivered him when Rhea was twenty-five months old, then I blew out my foot when he was three and a half months old. And let's be honest. The past year and a half has been a period of massive adjustment to a new normal. I had to realize that my aspirations and determination to hit the 2012/2016 Olympic games for taekwondo were a thing of the past and that I would no longer be able to be the high-performing, cardio-driven athlete that I once was. The kids have had to adjust to my "wonky foot" (thanks, Rhea) and Nate's had to adjust to me having physical difficulties doing simple things like walking. I hope that I've been able to provide them all a positive example of the things that can be done when we set our mind to something, though. I've been incredibly bullheaded about maintaining a rigorous workout schedule, using pilates and P90 (modified when necessary to accommodate said "wonky foot") to maintain flexibility and usage of my foot, as well as losing weight. I've tried to keep the kids as active as before I was injured so that they don't suffer- even when I'm in excruciating pain. I've learned to live with a constant pain level of 7-8, as well as the importance of slowing down when my body tells me to. And I'm doing everything I can to make sure they know that, despite difficulties that seem impossible to overcome, you can always strive to meet and exceed everyone else's expectations to achieve your own goals and dreams. I've also learned that I'm a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I used to pride myself on being physically strong and tough (bruises after tournaments were my physical trophies and just as flaunted as my actual trophies and medals), but I've realized that physical strength and endurance isn't all that matters. Mental strength and a positive attitude go even further when coupled with indomitable spirit and an unwillingness to quit. (Indomitable spirit = taekwondo tenant at its best!) I refuse to give up. At anything I know is in store for me. I just have to be patient and steadfast in my knowledge that something way bigger than I can even imagine is waiting just around the corner. I just have to take care of first things first, and Nate is the person I want by my side. He is not only my best friend, my confidant, but he is my other half. Even when we fight (we've gotten really good at that as the kids get older and test our boundaries), we fight knowing that we're still on the same team. He makes me laugh harder than anyone else on Earth, he infuriates me more than anyone else on Earth, and he makes me smile bigger than anyone else can. Another "it seems like yesterday" moment is every time I think back to when we first met and I knew he was my person. I know, I know. "Love at first sight" sounds cheesy and impossible, and I won't say it was love at first sight. But it was a knowing at first sight. He was important and he was going to be even more so in my life in the future. I just didn't know what role he'd play. Until we started dating two years later, that is- then I knew. Everything fell into place within me, and I knew. So thank you, Nathan, for the best eight and a half years of my life so far. Thank you for being there for me through everything, for letting me be your person, and for loving me. I love you!
And now for the wrap up...
The kids are hilarious. They are my every joy and every headache! Trace has become quite the chatterbox. And monkey. And entertainer. He is endlessly goofy and always does his silly thing looking out of the corner of his eye for the laugh. I think he learned that from Rhea. Just when I thought her personality couldn't be any bigger, she surprises me. Everything from telling my mom to "Slow down, kiddo!" to asking Nate (at the zoo, while eating lunch next to an African American family) "Hey Dad, what color are we?" to singing to the tune of "Feliz Navidad," "I wanna wish you a Lauren Pittman!" (one of my good friends), and answering my phone to talk to my friend Katie for ten minutes (unbeknownst to me- I was cleaning out a backed up tub drain- or trying to!), she is Miss Personality Plus! Every day I wake up exhausted from the day before, but excited to see what's up their sleeves for the day. On the days I do get frustrated with my physical restrictions, I just look at them and think of what I'd be missing if I was still working 40+ hours a week. Some things that challenge us end up being the biggest gifts. Thank you, God, for giving me this understanding and for giving me peace when I felt the most anxious.
Okay... it's about that time. You know? "That" time where you realize it's time to stop putting off the things you reeeally have to get done? Yeah... "that" time has come. Hopefully I'll get to blog it up before next month! But if not, I'll see you in November! (Whoa- where did 2011 go?!)
Peace!
